Putting Life on “Pause” to Become a Mama

“Aren’t you just excited to get back to work? When is she starting in daycare? Aren’t you bored?”. Questions I receive often after having given birth to my daughter. Reality is — my daughter is not starting in daycare any time soon, I am not excited to get back to work, and I am thriving. Something that makes me almost feel ashamed to admit. I was never “bored” as a new mama. I was overwhelmed. I was exhausted. I was numbed by the intensity of the experience. But never bored. Giving birth and becoming a mother has been the most groundbreaking experience I have gone through — it shook me to my core and made me grow and realize things about myself that I never knew anything about.

“Motherhood is meant to overwhelm us. It’s meant to slow us down and remind us of what matters most. It’s meant to expand us in order to make room for the children we’re (briefly) given to guide. It’s meant to reshape us into a fuller, more well-rounded women. It reminds us of our interdependency, shows us where we still need to grow, and strengthens our capacity to connect from the heart.” — Motherwhelmed, Beth Berry

Yet, I didn’t feel that this is how society wanted me to think about it. Instead, I felt that I was being rushed through the experience — both physically and emotionally. According to the expectations I was supposed to be back at work ASAP (in Denmark babies get nursery placements after approximately ten months). It took me one month to be able to walk without pain after the emergency cesarian. It took me about one year to actually get back my own body and start feeling it again. It took me fifteen months till I received my period again and had regular cycles (this is apparently an average norm for breastfeeding mamas!). Something that is not even that odd, and something that I was never told about before.

It seems to me that becoming a mother these days is not really natural anymore. Before giving birth I was advised to get a cesarian, in order to minimize the pain and not destroy my body. When I gave birth I was advised to give milk-formula so I could have time for myself to go out while others could take care of my baby. I was advised to let her cry at night alone — so I could have a good night’s sleep and make her “independent”.

I got the cesarian, though not because I wanted it, but because it was an emergency. I ignored the advice regarding the milk-formula, as I wanted to be closer to my baby and didn’t feel that I wanted nor needed to give her away to others. I completely ignored advice regarding letting her cry at night — I found it unnatural and not supported by science (in fact I found many of the suggestions that were made to me to be random, not backed up by science, but by old narratives that have been created and never questioned).

When I tell people that I don’t want to leave her to daycare, I usually receive either a very negative reaction a la, ‘are you trying to get women back to the sauce-pans? Your ancestors fought for independence and equality, and here you are scoffing it all back with your ‘I would like to stay at home with my child’’ or ‘Yes! That’s so cool. Drop the career!’. Everything is so extreme. Like a big pendulum — either you’re an active president two weeks after you gave birth, or you’re home washing the pots.

Society expects us to give birth and then “go back to normal”. But truth be told, there is nothing to go back to. You are a different you. The old you, the one that drank wine, that had long meetings, that went out after work, does not exist anymore. The new you is different. You now have different needs, desires, and a little being that waits for you, that needs you, and that loves you.

I have heard from others and thought to myself that I am now to pause my life in order to raise my child. Cutting out a couple of years giving them to my daughter so she grows up without anxiety and commitment issues. Because somehow society has called it that. That I’m having a “pause” from life, from my “professional career”, which we deem as being, apparently, the real “life”(?).

But is it really that? Is it a pause?

Since I gave birth I have learned:

• To put my own self & needs aside. I have understood the meaning of loving selflessly.
• To be of service to others. A mother literally is offering her body, attention, and mind to the baby.
• To be present. When I am not present I miss great things, such as her first steps. If I am present I can also prevent potential accidents to happen.
• To prioritize. To know that if I do not prioritize then I simply will not be able to get things done that have to be done.
• To get stuff done. As an example, I managed to arrange a work-related call while my daughter was sleeping. I wrote all my meeting points in advance in order to ensure that we covered everything we had to cover. I knew that we had to be on point and specific in order to finalize the meeting while she was sleeping. I cut out any small talk and random conversations and managed to go through all the open topics with concrete action steps to each of them — something that I struggled with before giving birth.
• To communicate better with the people around me. Having a child is not easy for any couple and it has given me the need to re-learn how to I relate and communicate to the people around me. Especially my partner and I had to go through some very tough challenges together and really question how we talk with each other.
• To be honest about my body and take care of it. My body has changed 180 degrees. It is incredible what a human body can do and how it actually gave me the chance to have a child. Today I am loving myself more — I am proud that my body could go through what it did, and I think more gently about it when I look at it in the mirror.
• To eat more healthily. I would like to raise a healthy human. Therefore I now spend more time thinking about how we can give her the necessary nutrients and vitamins, making new and interesting dishes part of my own daily diet.
• To cut down my SoMe time. I don’t want my daughter to use any apps or tablets etc. till she is older, and therefore I am not really using the phone much when I am around her. This has given me the chance to read more books and listen to podcasts instead — making me feel that this year has actually made me smarter by allowing me to read and listen to things that I didn’t read before as I instead wasted my time on needless scrolling.
• To engage more with the community around me. Listen to others. Talk to strangers. Before I met up with friends less often — simply because I worked a lot. If I met I didn’t really listen much to what they were sharing with me, but mainly met to talk about myself. Now I meet to listen and learn from others because I have realized there is so much to learn from others, and there is little that I know.
• To have more empathy. I know how it feels when you didn’t shower for a couple of days, didn’t get a proper lunch or breakfast because you had to be present for your baby, and how tragic it then can feel if you missed the bus that would take you to something you planned for. We never really know the realities each one of us comes from so being empathetic is really the only way forward.
• To be creative. The days as a mama can be loooong. I keep thinking of creative things to do and explore with my little daughter.

Are these skills unnecessary for our society? Are these skills that usually are associated with a “pause”? No, they are not. These are important skills that actually are becoming more sought-after and relevant in the working sphere.

We have to be more reflective of the words we use and what we call different areas of life. Becoming a mother is not synonymous with making a “pause” in life. It’s an opportunity for looking inwards, for personal growth, and, I would argue, also professional development. It is an opportunity for exponential growth. Being a mother now, I would actually prefer hiring female candidates that are mothers for managerial positions than otherwise. Because for managers, or leaders, I would want to look for individuals that are empathetic, that know how to prioritize and inspire others to get stuff done, and are able to listen & engage with the people around them. Something that a mother does on a regular day.

Becoming a mother is not synonymous with making a pause. Life is a continuous learning journey. We do not only learn by being employed in a corporate workspace. We learn everywhere and at any given time, if only we allow ourselves to do that.

We need to be more reflective of what we define as success in our society and how it is measured. When it comes to motherhood the word “success” and how we perceive it needs different metrics — metrics that include diaper change, affirming hugs, and learning milestones. Something I hope that our society will embrace — as well as every new mama.

If women are not perceived as being relevant for society when becoming mothers, and their lives are being perceived as being “paused” within the current existent structures of society — surely, it is the society that we need to redefine rather than the women?

So, for the upcoming and new mamas reading this — welcome to the beginning of a completely new journey. A journey that will allow you to grow, expand, and rise, personally and professionally. With all my heart I hope that you will find the necessary courage to embrace your new role and to follow your own intuition when things get tough.

Your life is not on pause Mama! Your life is beginning a new path!

“What would the world look like if you and I — as the first generations of resource-rich, informed, penicillin-protected, and free mothers to have ever walked the planet — released ourselves from the burden of stories told for us and began to see ourselves for the incredibly powerful, important, worthy, and inherently beautiful beings we really are? I believe the outcome would change the course of history.” — Beth Berry.