Why I Paused My Career to Stay at Home with My Children

Today is a very special day. Today both my daughters will be starting attending a “school”. This means that officially my “stay-at-home-mum” period is coming to an end (after 3 years), and a new chapter in my life is opening up. I would like to share why my husband & I decided to keep our girls at home till now, what kind of “school” we have found for them, and our own vision for what kind of environment we would like to create for them going forward. I’m sharing this because maybe there are some other parents out there that are thinking about doing the same — so maybe this post can help them or provide some food for thought when reflecting upon this.

I have not actively been talking much about my decision for becoming a “stay-at-home” mum before. The reasons are two-fold:

1. Not common: It is generally not something that is conducted within our families & social circles.
2. Remarks: I found that when I shared with others about our decision, I would often receive a remark a la “..so you think you’re better than the rest?”; “My parents did it like this and I grew up fine. Or do you think there is something wrong with me?!”; “..you will learn better.”; “your poor children will never socialize & have friends”; “If everyone did like you our society would be bankrupt.” (referring to the Danish society); “..well look at you being so wealthy that you can do that — some of us actually have to work”, “..Oh, well I actually have a very good professional career. Wonderful that you didn’t (don’t) have anything holding you back!” (love that one!) or (my favorite) — “Nice — you can relax while your husband works hard” (obviously the one stating this has never spent a full day with a 1 & 3 yo 😂), and finally, “Because of women like you, women will never change inequality. You are bringing us back to the pots”. All these are actual remarks I have been receiving.

Looking back I have learned that parenthood is a deeply personal journey. The type of parents we decide to be for our children and the families that we build, are reflections of our belief systems and values. Being told by anyone that we are “bad” parents or doing things “wrong” is very difficult. Many of us have traumas from our own childhoods, and, let’s be honest, no one wants to be a bad parent. We all try to do what we believe is the right thing, based on our own sense-making of reality and our experiences throughout life.

In our case we decided to go a different path than majority of our friends and family — not because we believe we are better than the rest, but, because, we believe that this was the right decision for our family. This was not easy, but, we, as a family unit, stand much stronger today, than where I believe we would have been had we not made these decisions — and this is what matters for us in the end.

With time I have learned not to take criticism or remarks too closely to my heart, as I have learned that they often are mere reflections of the other persons values/beliefs etc. What triggers us are usually things that we have to do some inner work with, and not really something related to the person saying the thing itself.

Having said that I would like to explore 3 questions below that have helped us in the process of figuring out how to “do parenthood”. In the end I have included a list of books and instagram accounts that I have found very helpful & supportive in my own parenthood journey.

1. What type of parent would I like to be?
2. What kind of family would I like to have? What are my values? What is my belief system?
3. How would I like to prepare your child(ren) for life?

What type of parent would I like to be?

Parenthood is probably the most challenging, rewarding and biggest journey that we can embark upon in our lives — yet it requires no exams, self-reflection, or qualifications. Anyone can become a parent. However, not all of us are able to make the experience of being a parent into something that provides conscious positive growth and development for all parties involved.

I think it is a shame that it is not more common in our society to embark on personal reflection courses, to revisit our childhood experiences, and receive monthly reading lists and digests from some of the latest research around parenthood and child upbringing out there. Instead we pop balloons and give cute clothes (that usually only lasts for a couple of weeks 😅). But really — what do we know about parenthood? In most cases our own childhood determines how we will be as parents. Did your mother sing for you? Chances are pretty high that you will sing for your children as well. Did your parents snap and shout at you? Well..you may be triggered as well. Parenthood is deeply personal and everyone is trying to do their best in their own way — so any remarks/ comments regarding parenthood are easily (quite understandably), taken as personal criticism. Though I wonder — how can we grow as individuals, parents and humans — if we do not allow ourselves to question where our societal norms and personal behaviors come from? When we do not allow room for questions or improvement, but accept our reality as a given status quo? Our world is constantly developing — with new knowledge, research and development. However, our cultural barriers, egos, and the firm believe that our world is at a status quo, does not allow us to integrate nor accept new information easily.

One thing that helped me was to reach out to & connect with parents that I found inspirational (or follow them on instagram). I actually even started hosting conversations with different experts on topics that I was curious about related to parenthood. This is an on-going process — and obviously I do not become these people by following or talking to them, but seeing how things can be done differently have, for me, been incredibly inspirational. Finding and following them also provided me with the strength and support network needed when choosing to do things differently. F.ex. I decided to breastfeed my children (no formula) till we had a mutually agreed upon weening process, we co-slept, we didn’t send them to nurseries/ daycare, we didn’t conduct any sleep-training, and overall we’ve had an approach that we didn’t leave our children behind if they didn’t want to/ didn’t feel comfortable. We’ve received criticism for these decisions from some of our own family members — but — we have found support from other people that we really admired and liked, making these decisions much easier for us.

When becoming a parent I tried as much as possible to remove bias & not be influenced by external opinions and social norms. My mother stayed home for the first 3–4 years of my life, I was surrounded by family, I was exposed to different languages and culture (Japanese, English and Russian), I was respected and loved, and I spent a lot of time in nature. Those 3 years are some of my most treasured memories of my life, and I believe that those 3 years were key for me being able to successfully navigate the chaos that followed when we immigrated to Denmark (this I realized is backed by psychology and science, as our first years build our foundation for future learning, health and life success). Knowing how “conscious” and “developed” I was at that age makes it also very difficult for me to connect with people who believe that children are unable to understand & learn things when small and treat them accordingly.

I wanted to give my girls the opportunity for having a similar foundation. I wanted them to have the opportunity to be deeply connected with their family in their first few years of life, to be in a stress-less environment, to be able to do things in their own pace, without being rushed or interference. I wanted them to be exposed to different cultures and languages, I wanted them to be close to nature. What this meant for me, was, that I left the company that I had co-founded.

At that point we had reached a critical moment — we were scaling and had just closed a large fund-raising round (I was working in tech, specializing in computer vision in sports). Leaving the company had never crossed my mind before this moment- as I thought — before becoming a mother — that I would just get a nanny or place her in daycare. But, by connecting to my own childhood, talking with people, and visiting many different daycares — I realized that doing that would actually be going against my own core beliefs, values, and the parent that I wanted to be. I couldn’t personally rationally justify or provide Reason for why my daughters, at a very young age, before they could talk or walk, should be teared away from my breast to nursery and kindergarten in the interests of societal progress. I also didn’t believe that my career and life would be destroyed if I stayed at home with them in the most formative years of their lives. This was a difficult realization as the person that I had been before becoming a parent, was someone who’s identity was solely defined by the career. I had very high ambitions and exiting a company at that stage is (in my previous world) considered deeply foolish (if not just plain stupid). This decision was not taken overnight.

With time I have come to realize that my understanding of time has changed — I view life in seasons now — not a growth curve. I also don’t view staying at home with children as “degrading work” that provides no value for our society. If women are not perceived as being relevant for society when becoming mothers, and their lives are being perceived as being “financially unviable” within the current existent structures of society — surely, it is the society that we need to redefine rather than the women?

We need to be more reflective of what we define as success in our society and how it is measured. When it comes to motherhood the word “success” and how we perceive it needs different metrics — metrics that include joyful children, diaper change, affirming hugs, and learning milestones. Something I hope that our society will embrace.

“What would the world look like if you and I — as the first generations of resource-rich, informed, penicillin-protected, and free mothers to have ever walked the planet — released ourselves from the burden of stories told for us and began to see ourselves for the incredibly powerful, important, worthy, and inherently beautiful beings we really are? I believe the outcome would change the course of history.” — Beth Berry.

If you have thoughts about the role that work and career plays in our lives I can highly recommend reading this one, and my own thoughts on this topic here. Hannah Arendt also has some really interesting readings on this topic.

On a side-note: obviously not everyone needs to exit their companies when becoming parents. I was working in a stressful environment, with no time-off, flying between countries constantly, and not having any base. That was, for me, a very unhealthy situation to be in, and did not allow me to ground myself and my family. Therefore I made the decision that I believed was the best for me.

Some of the “experts” that helped me opening up my own mind regarding parenthood and nudged me to the become closer to the parent that I would like to be were:

• Magda Gerber (“Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child’s Natural Abilities — From the Very Start”, “Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect” — Janet Lansbury follows her methodology and has a really great book, podcast as well as active instagram account)
• Jean Liedloff (“The Continuum Concept: In Search Of Happiness Lost”)
• Maria Montessori (“The Absorbent Mind”)
• Rudolf Steiner (“The Education of the Child — and Early Lectures on Education”.. there is so much to read when it comes to Steiner. This is a good starting point).
• Jesper Juul (“Your Competent Child: Toward A New Paradigm In Parenting And Education”)
• C. S. Lewis (“The Abolition of Man”).

Please notice that you can find many books that are written about the thoughts of the above mentioned people — I would recommend you to read the original works. If you can read danish I would also recommend reading Mette Carendi, Fie Hørby, & Birgitte Baadegaard.

What kind of family would you like to have? What are your values? What is your belief system?

Partnership. Recently I saw a post on Linkedin made by another mother who praised her husband for picking up their kids from daycare and taking parental leave. She urged all women to find husbands that would do that so they could focus on their career ambitions. I agree with her that we all need to find partners that supports our ambitions — though ambitions for your life — not just your career. I think parenthood gives you an incredible opportunity to build something beautiful together with your partner. It also gives you an opportunity to revisit your fears, doubts and demons. I wrote some more thoughts about this here, but basically my partner and I had some very honest conversations about what we liked about our childhoods and what we didnt. Questions that we’ve tried to answer over time have been:

• Do we have any trauma or pain connected to our upbringing? What hurt us?
• What did our parents do that made us thrive?
• What do we wish that they had done?
• How did our parents deal with stress / difficult situations? (this I realized is really important to understand as we may unconsciously pass these behaviors on)
• How did your parents support each other (if they did)?
• What was your relationship with your brothers and sisters like?
• What are our most cherished memories? Can we create such moments for our children?
• Did we have any rituals in our families that we really cherish? Can we take them with us into our new family?
• If you could change something about your childhood what would that be?

Obviously these questions were not answered over night — but slowly the answers have emerged. Some of them I wish I had known before, others I think you can only learn when you are on the path of parenthood together. I learned from my partner that both his and my parents were divorced (badly, with no communication between them), and that we both had struggled with our self & body images. This made us both realize that we really wanted to do our best in order to have a healthy relationship between each other, as well as change certain ways that we were raised — f.ex. we have sought counseling support, we over-communicate, we have a rule that we do not shout or talk in a way that we wouldn’t want someone else to talk to us (we have a zero- tolerance for shouting/ raising voices), we have no television at home, we say gratitude before we eat and go to bed, we don’t have any junk food/ sweets at our home except for special occasions, we praise one another and the girls, and we live a very active life (compared to how we were raised and how we were living before we became parents). In no way are we perfect — but every day we are trying to learn how we can become better.

If you’re interested in diving deeper into this area, I can wholeheartedly recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D., “Getting the Love you Want” by Harville Hendrix, and “Emotional Inheritance: A Therapist, Her Patients, and the Legacy of Trauma” by Galit Atlas.

How would you like to prepare your child(ren) for life?

I believe that we live in the most incredible times of human development. We have access to some of the latest technlogies, health developments and generally we live in times where we (western world), can decide how we would like to live our lives. We can spend life on netflix, we can eat junk or permaculture.. we can do so many things!

With the rise of AI and the many societal changes that we are seeing around us, I believe that our world requires humans that are.. deeply in touch with themselves, and the world around them. I believe we need humans that are connected, that are great listeners, and that have an ability to view the world as a wholesome unit. Humans that have healthy immune systems. Humans that are not traumatized — neither in body, nor spirit. Humans that take responsibility for their actions and ownership of their lives. Humans that respect themselves and the world around them. I don’t like to think about dystopian scenarious, but I would like my chikldren to grow up without fear for the future ahead, but a knowledge that what will happen with their future and our world is also dependent on them.

How do we achieve that? I don’t have the answers — but, we have made some small steps that we believe can somehow nudge them in the right direction. First of all both my partner and I felt deeply empowered when taking ownership of our parenthood roles. We realized that in order to be great parents for them — we had to become great people ourselves, and lead by examples. This also meant that we had to work on some of our own limitations and beliefs. As an example we want the girls to read — so — we read ourselves. We want them to move their bodies and work out — so we do it ourselves. We want them to drink enough water — so we drink more water, and so on. We don’t want them to have a healthy relationship to technology — so we are conscious about how much time we spend on our phones/ digital products (if you’re interested in this topic I can highly recommend you to follow the research of Jon Haidt). There are many other things but these are just some examples.

I believe that in order to prepare our children for life — a life where they can thrive and be resilient to the changes around them — they need:

• To be surrounded by a close group of friends & family that share our own values and world views. This includes having few close friends that they get along with.
• To grow up with rituals, celebrations and traditions that give them a sense of belonging and leave them with joyful memories of the years that passed
• To be surrounded (and appreciate) by beauty
• To learn to be grateful
• To learn to take care of one another, and understand that we are all connected to one another
• To be exposed to different nationalities and understandings of the world
• To be able to communicate in different languages — they need to grow up as polyglots.
• To grow up being able to create something — either with hands or mind. To learn a craft.
• To learn to listen to others
• To be kind
• To learn how to be of value/ service
• To know that friendship and love are the highest feelings that one can strive for, and that they have brought about some of the most incredible human discoveries.
• To learn spectrum thinking
• To learn to be curious
• To strive for making the world a more beautiful place.

I have not added hard skills such as being able to build a robot or code to this list. Mainly because I don’t believe that this is an essential need in the future of AI. I also do not believe that conventional schooling systems/ institutions can provide the above — in fact I do not think that you can outsource these things. The only way of preparing our children for the future, I believe, is by proactively creating a personalized learning environment for them, and seek out people and solutions that align with your own values and world view. Perhaps this approach is not scalable — but should (and can) education be that?

In our case we have currently found a “school” for our girls founded by a seasoned homeschooler — it is a private small organization with approximately 30 children that are between 3 till 17 years, located at a beautiful secluded farm. The children come from all around the world and are around 3–9 years old. The founder is a Psychologist by education, and created this for her own children 20 years ago. She applies different methods — mixed age groups, child-led play, most time is spent outdoors, thematic days with different experts coming in (capoeira, art, music and dance days). Currently this place really aligns with what we were looking for. Every time I have been there I have never seen children fight, scream or any tears — only play and joy. The place is itself beautiful, with pine trees, animals..and a huge garden. I trust the founder deeply, and we’re doing everything in alignment with the girls. It just feels right. However, this is obviously not the end of their learning journey, or ours, but only the beginning!

Our quest for finding a different path for our family has brought us to Portugal. Currently we’re trying to build a community of like-minded families around us, we are part of a community gardening project, the girls are learning 4 different languages (Danish, Russian, English and Portuguese), and soon we will start musical classes. The afternoons are at this moment mainly reserved for time together as a family. This is all work in progress.. and I am deeply grateful for being on this journey together with my family.

I really hope that you will find a way that will align with your own values — and wish you and your family all the best on this beautiful learning journey!

Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you want to know more about how we approached this ❤️🙌

Reading List

These are some of the books that have helped me on this journey — they are not listed in any particular order or preference. Did you read others that should be added on the list?

• Ainsley Arment: “The Call of the Wild + Free”: It’s written by the founder of a huge community called Wild + Free. The community focuses on being outdoors and schooling in a way that works for each individual family. I love this approach and I adore the author of this book, Ainsley Arment. She did a wonderful job breaking down what homeschool looks like for many different families. Especially for those who want to homeschool but have no idea where to start. She raises some important questions and challenges us to question the status quo. Arment also lays out examples of different methods of homeschool (Waldorf, Montessori, unschooling, Classical education, etc.). She mentions topics like nature, projects, connection, and reading-aloud. It’s an overall great read for someone who has never researched homeschooling!
• Bessel van der Kolk M.D: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma: A lot is crammed into this book- over 30 years of research into trauma! Most people experience some form of trauma throughout their lives, but the younger you are the more profound the effect is later on in life. It literally passes down from generation to generation and we still don’t discuss or treat trauma as a norm. If everyone was more knowledgeable about trauma and how it affects us then I think our medical advice and how we treat people would be far different from what it is today. This book has been a gamechanger for me and I cannot recommend it enough.
• C. S. Lewis:“The Abolition of Man”
• Erica Komisar: Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters” “…I dream of a society where women are aware of and honest with themselves about their fears and were, if they do have children, they are able to structure their lives to be with their children when they need them the most and find fulfilment in work, or whatever is important to them, when those children’s needs change..” (page 191, emphasis mine). Contrary to what many people seem to think, this book does not urge mothers to drop out of the workforce while their children are young but to find a way to prioritise parenting during these years. Her focus is on presence, and she argues that an at-home parent who is emotionally or intellectually distracted is not much different from a parent who is physically gone.
• Gabor Maté & Dr Gordon Neufeld: “Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers”: Children today looking to their peers for direction — their values, identity, and codes of behavior. This “peer orientation” undermines family cohesion, interferes with healthy development, and fosters a hostile and sexualized youth culture. Children end up becoming overly conformist, desensitized, and alienated, and being “cool” matters more to them than anything else. This book demonstrates ways to “reattach” to sons and daughters, establish the proper hierarchy in the home, make kids feel safe and understood, and earn back your children’s loyalty and love. This book definitely left me thinking, as I grew up being told that kids should be with kids.
• Galit Atlas: “Emotional Inheritance: A Therapist, Her Patients, and the Legacy of Trauma”
• Harville Hendrix: “Getting the Love you Want”.
• Ivan Illich: “Deschooling Society” . This book just gives a lot of food for thought.
• Jean Liedloff: “The Continuum Concept: In Search Of Happiness Lost”
• Jesper Juul:“Your Competent Child: Toward A New Paradigm In Parenting And Education”
• John Holt: “How Children Learn”
• Magda Gerber: “Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child’s Natural Abilities — From the Very Start”, “Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect” — Janet Lansbury follows her methodology and has a really great book, podcast as well as active instagram account)
• Maria Montessori: “The Absorbent Mind”
• Peter Gray: “Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life”: Much of it was hard to get through without a lump in my throat, very moving, Gray states what we all need to hear, especially in education at the moment, filled with its measures, turning children into product and an unhealthy focus on results and pressure. On compulsory schooling: “How did we come to the conclusion that the best way to educate students is to force them into a setting where they are bored, unhappy, and anxious?…In the name of education we have increasingly deprived children of the time and freedom they need to educate themselves through their own means. And in the name of safety, we have deprived children of the freedom they need to develop the understanding, courage, and confidence required to face life’s dangers and challenges with equanimity…we have created a world in which children must suppress their natural instinct to take charge of their own education and, instead, mindlessly follow paths to nowhere laid out for them by adults. We have created a world that is literally driving many young people crazy and leaving many others unable to develop the confidence and skills required for adult responsibility”.
• Richard Louv: “Last Child in the Woods” . This made me rethink everything I considered “education” to be and made me realize how important unstructured play outdoors can be for children.
• Rudolf Steiner:“The Education of the Child — and Early Lectures on Education”.. there is so much to read when it comes to Steiner. This is a good starting point.
• Shefali Tsabary: “The Awakened Family: How To Raise Empowered, Resilient, and Conscious Children”
• Shefali Tsabary: The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children: The overall message of the book is to be present with your child and understand that they are their own person, separate from you — to parent consciously, with purpose, and recognizing that it’s the here and now that makes the biggest difference. Dr. Tsabary reminds us many times to put aside our ego and expectations and help our children learn that living authentically is the healthiest and most rewarding life, not raising a “mini-me” if you will. It was very insightful, helping me see ways that I am doing well and ways that I can improve as a parent.